Yea the exams are over!

Gosh.. longest time i had exam for. they are over at last!!!! Yes.. lots have happened recently.. making me feel very "unstable", in other words in a state of confusion.. feel very lost and empty now that exams are over for good honestly kind of prefer exams to working.. ok shall talk abt this later.. hahaha..

gosh last sun went to celebrate grandpa's bday. basically e family is divided into 2 political groups.. so ya.. like cos e 2 diff grps got grandchildren. which is basically my niece and nephews. which baby u carry shows ur loyalty to which political party.. hahahah.. actually they were kind of mean. didn't tell my big uncle abt e celebration. really think they r v childish.. afterall we r family. y argue and cause divide like that. in the end everyone jus felt uncomfortable gathering together. hai.. really don't know when it will blow over. since grandma died the family has been like that. sometimes i really hate my family. hate them so much that i feel like slapping sense into them! unfortunately the younger generation don't have a say in this. gosh..

Hee.. my niece is really cute.. just a yr plus learning how to walk and talk.. she is really very curious and would jus walk and follow ppl around. then she walk in a haphazard manner.. bumping into things and almost falling down in e process. she is the niece whom i mentioned that wouldn't cry, jus talk in baby language when u didn't feed her and stuff.. anyway when she bumped her head accidentally she didn't even cry but the bump seems loud and painful. and also when i carry her she tried to wriggle herself out to walk though she could barely walk. gosh i really want to have a kid. feel like kidnapping her.. she is so adorable!!!! Actually i can't understand married couples who decided not to have kids cos they want to enjoy life. I think i heard someone told me her fren don't want to have kids after marriage so that they can buy a car, afford more luxury. honestly wat fun is it to have everything in e world but without kids to share it with. honestly, i think it is very selfish to not have a kid jus cause u want to indulge in luxury. and i can't understand how anyone could feel that way. I think kids r catalyst that brings a marriage in place, when u have kids then in some sense it is truly a family. your children are the only people in e world u can love unconditionally without any reservations. honestly, couples breakup, even married couples, but it is the hardest thing to disown a child. someone whom a woman suffer to give birth to, undergo the difficult process of pregnancy and bringing a kid up is never easy.

Gosh today went to ktv with sl. really fun.. haven't gone out with her for a long time. as in though we meet in jap class to me it is not enough le. hahhahah.. not enough to really chat. the best time was staying at her hse can chat longer.. everytime after jap class, after warming up she have to go home le so sian. managed to sing a few jap songs.. can sing utada hikaru's flavour of life and ken hirai's qing pi shuang yan, can rmb e jap title. that ken hirai's song really make me have goosebumps all over the moment i hear it though i have heard this song for a million times. Anyway we chat was telling her i m v afraid of my future.. seems to me that everyone's impression of me is that i will be a career woman(nu qiang ren) i don't think i look like one le.. but a few of my frens told me i look like one. i think i will make a lot of mistakes at work then eq v low so no one will like or promote me.. maybe i m too domineering.. ahhahah.. gosh... honestly don't think i will succeed at work or at life or at anything.

gosh really worrying about my future.. met ppl who can't wait to stop studying to work. but honestly i don't like working at all. rather study all my life.. hahhhaa. in e past when i work i would always think that i can escape to studying, but now completely can't.. i hate that! some people have passion in life know wat they want. ppl like my sis. usually ppl who knows wat they want and work towards it would be able to get wat they want, but i m not that kind of person. this ppl have a passion in life and is living for it. this really makes me wonder wat m i living for? honestly if i were to die this second i would tell u i wouldn't miss anything. might miss my frens, but honestly nth is holding me back. i think u can only work for yourself, but i couldn't find a reason to work for myself at all. work for the money is pointless. u have money but might not have time to spend, to me as long as u have enough money it is enough, don't need to have too much, cos afterall u can't bring it into ur coffin with u. work for the status? i don't want to, when u climbed higher e ppl u meet r more insincere and at times it is really hard to put on a front, you would be too afraid to let anyone see your true self then, for fail that they will have known ur weaknesses and have things against you. honestly wat is there to work for? is there a future in anything. i wish i have kids! then i can say i m working for my kids for their future.. ahhahaha.. feel so empty not knowing wat i m working for. honestly don't want to work for the sake of working.

oh ya another thing i m very angry about is hrm. there is 3 essays to write during e exams. i spotted 3 topics, but only 2 came out. and i think hrm is really a subject where if u don't have e info no pt writing, cos u really can't crap. theory and case studies can't change no matter wat. anyway angry of myself. i told myself to study 4 topic b4 the exams but somehow i forgot or don't know wat happened to me la.. i didn't study. gosh it will badly affect whether i get 2nd lower or 2nd upper. gosh i hate it 2nd upper was so close that i could almost touch it, but now i can't cos i did badly. i rather i did badly for all then i would feel better. ok shall not curse myself!

anyway i m goin to whine about my life again.. really feel that my life jus ended so abruptly after i go to heaven i will soon go to hell.. hee.. gosh i really hate worrying for this stupid stuff! i really hate life!