Feelings and stuff

Started work already. hmm.. Work is fine. The people there are quite nice and the work load is not tat heavy. Quite happy being there so far, but i haven't really accept the fact that i have moved on to the next stage of my life. I still feel a bit "shocked", a bit lost and confused, a bit unhappy, a bit depressed.

Most of my female colleague r married. it is like they r just 25 but already married. Through conversation with them really can feel that they r living life how it should be lived. As in living life the way society expects of them. Work, get married, have children. It is like everything is so simple to them, just slowly moving on to the next stage of their life, without worrying, without thought, without much feelings. Not only these colleague! Even friends who r already working. Simply don't understand how this people r feeling cos i can't feel tat way. I don't feel happy at all having to move on to this stage. It is not cos i don't like working. It is cause i feel kind of empty. I don't know y this people can jus simply accept everything.

It is like everyone is telling how you should live. Pursue wealth, status. Jus because i m a graduate i m supposed to have a good job, good position, good salary. That is wat everyone is telling me. But y? Would i be happy with a good job, good salary? I think people are just after money and reputation to fill the emptiness within them. Because they don't know wat to pursue in life. I definately don't think good job is equvilent to happiness. However this is wat the society, your family expects of u.

Next at this stage everyone expects you to have a boyfriend and get married soon and the society(govt) wants you to have babies too. Gosh it seems like everyone is interferring with your personal life.

Y is everybody stressing me on how i should lead my life? Honestly starting to fill stressed by these expectations. I realised i couldn't continue being in denial. In the past when you r in a sch environment, there isn't any adults pestering you. everyone would say tat you r still young. But now suddenly i couldn't live in my own world anymore. I couldn't pretend i didn't hear. I couldn't ignore the voices. Cos you will hear that almost everyday. Who r u msging got boyfriend already ah? In the future how many kids you want to have? ahhh... I jus want to go to an island where there isn't anybody and live there for awhile. I don't want to get married, i don't want a good job, i don't want anything.. i jus want to be left alone.

Maybe it is cos i m an aquarius. the inner rebel refuse to conform to society's expectations. maybe i will forever be immature. i don't want to become a society robot! Like only talk about my job, my boyfriend and in the future my children. ahhh... i hate that kind of life! I just want to do anything that makes me happy. Have control over wat i want to do. Have thoughts about wat i m doing and not doing things blindly jus because everyone ask me to. Have feelings for life and not jus living it. Really feel very stifled.

Anyway feel rather touched and guilty recently too. Not giving tuition anymore when i told them the kids were very sad. keep asking me to continue teaching them. Then they planned a surprise for me. I m not supposed to know but they always talk rather loudly! hahahha.. gosh feel a bit sad to leave them. One day they might forget me and forget how much they like me, but at the moment they like me a lot and that is enough for now. feel guilty cos i couldn't continue teaching them. gosh but i might need to continue teaching them if i don't have anyone to hand them over to. hate irresponsible people who jus give tuition for the sake of money. teaching kids is not about money it is about responsibility. Though i wouldn't say tat i m a good teacher but at least i teach them with my heart try my best to teach them. hate irresponsible tutors. i think parents and kids could also tell sincerity. my pri 6 student improved a lot since pri 4 so her mum asked if i am willing to teach her in sec 1. well i told her, her child might not need tuition if she can study herself. so c if she can cope, if she can't cope then give me a call. ahh.. there r still so many stuff i m obigated to do. so many stuff i m responsible for.