been thinking

this post may seem v unfillial.. pls don't scold me.. and lightening pls don't strike me.. i m jus giving my thoughts...

been really busy lately didn't have time to open up my bday angbo.. basically oso cos my wallet got cash so wouldn't think of opening it to use and i haven't been goin out lately so won't spend any money at all.. then today my mom mentioned that i haven't thank 4th uncle for his red packet. shucks.. but it is a bit awkward to thank now rite?? cos after so long le...

I jus had this thoughts... i rather not receive their red packet.. after receiving must do so much 表面工. it is so not like me.. then it is not like i m usually v warm to them. then suddenly cos they give me red packet i must express that i m v thankful.. i find it v fake la.. then it is like it seems that i m so money face. only cos receive money so be warm to them.

honestly i m not v friendly and close with my extended family. cos seriously i don't know how to express this friendliness.. it is like i find it v fake ah.. not that i don't care for them. but at times v sick of the big family politics... hai... blood is thicker than water. so it is impossible for me not to care abt them or not care wat they think abt me... but it is a really strange feeling. it is like strangers who have e same blood. haha.. it is like i don't know how to explain. and sometimes the conversation can get v insincere. cos my cousin in law ask me the same questions all the time. it is like they r asking for the sake of asking and not because they r interested to know. i hate small talks like that cos i seriously hate insincere ppl. but they r my family i can't hate them...

hai.. i really don't know wat to do now.. i don't want to seem ungrateful. but i don't want to fake warmness.. wat m i goin to do?? gosh gosh.. so bad at expressing my feelings. gosh i m a bit apprehensive for cny to come.. cos i hate e rountine. though i love e gathering i hate the questions, and judgement.. hai... i love the cny atmosphere but well.. man... i hate this double feelings.. making me v troubled..