Yest had great fun w elin, yik, xiwen and hq...
Today feel like i have gone to hell. Couldn't take it in e morning. Had a breakdown. It was not only Monday blues.. It was also family and stuff.. Really make me feel like escaping. Honestly feel v depressed. I really want to leave.. I really want to escape. but i honestly don't know where i could escape too...
This morning, he was v enthusiastic in wanting to drive me to work. I have this feeling about it since last wk when he say he want to drive me to work. It was awkward to reject his offer cos we left house about the same time, but i felt that he was up to no good. I don't know y instinct about someone is rarely wrong, when something is amiss it could be sensed almost immediately. So on his car I fake sleeping, to avoid having any conversation w him.
This morning when i was in e toilet he told me he want to drive me to work, as it was really early, i told him to leave first, i sensed sth wrong too.. Later he waited for me when i was making up he told me that he will drive me to work, before that go to e bank and withdraw 1k for him. I was totally pissed, but i told him all my cash is with mum. He didn't believe, but i jus kept insisting i don't have any money. Then he lied he said grandpa passed away need money to pay some stuff. Hello like i m an idiot. I know how much money they have in e trustfund for grandpa.. It is honestly enough to hold 10funerals. Wat a bastard. Could even try to cheat his daughter's money using his father's name to cheat her.
Been overhearing his conversation w his fren, i know what he is up to. Honestly i wish my mum would jus kick him out of this house at times. Sounds v unfillial, but i honestly don't know how to be fillial to such a person.
Honestly started crying after that, was quite affected.. Don't want to go to work, but don't know where to go either.. In e end went to work but couldn't concentrate, couldn't care either... Honestly don't know y he could still hurt me this way. Every time u think u wouldn't be affected by it anymore, everytime u think it could no longer hurt and u would not cry for it again, that emotion take u by surprise, uncontrollable, jus pain, and tears will jus flow uncontrollably. Hate that kind of feeling. hate that i m so old and yet i can't control this feeling. Hate that he could still hurt me this way. Hate that i m still affected by all this. I want to grow numb to all this. I want to be strong...
Some relatives have been bullying my mother at e funeral that day.. actually feel v hurt when seeing them bullying my mum, but da ren de shi can't do anything, standing up for her will cause her more trouble in e end. Could only keep telling her to leave them let them gossip don't care. Hate that my mother contributed to much to this family and all she could get is constant shit from them. Is this really her fate? Y must she deal with all e shit and face she gets from these stupid relatives. I hate my family, my extended family, they r a piece of shit. But u know wat family is not ppl u can choose, u honestly don't have a choice.. Hate these wu nai of life, hate that fate is being too unfair to my mum...
Really didn't know if i should tell my mum. Hate hurting her with this news... But it is e right thing to do rite?
Honestly i want to escape, i want to leave this place. I don't want to face reality and i really don't know how to face reality at times. Now no matter how much i hate my job i must stay in it.. Don't want to make my mum worry more for me. Urgh.
Actually all this r not problem if you try not to c them as a problem.. Shall brainwash myself again, or try to... maybe if we try to ignore the problem long enough, the problem will automatically disappear or solve itself(so totally in denial), maybe some problems can never be solved, cos a person is nv brave enough to deal w it. sometimes i can't understand my mum.. she is brave at times, but when it is time to make e decision she is nv brave enough, will say but can't do.. maybe she is like me in denial, she jus hope that if she ignore it e problem will disappear, but it nv will. and decisions like this u could nv help her to make. At times this indecisiveness is causing a lot of pain to us and her instead. Always say tat she is trying to find a better time to prepare ourselves for this, in case things get ugly, but things r not exactly rosy now either.. I am v afraid oso that if things remain like tat it would get worse. Honestly it is not nice to leave in fear daily, not knowing when e timebomb will explode. Or everytime when u think things r ok some shit happen again.
Honestly quite envious of ppl w/o family problem.. Ppl with happy family.. But it is when u r with ppl like that, that ur thinking will not grow too twisted, that will make you believe that there can be happiness in this world. But family happiness is not something everyone could wish for, like i said you could choose anyone in this world, but you could nv choose family. Spouse can divorce, boyfriend could break up, friend can unfriend, but family you could nv truly disown. Which is e reason y ppl w happy family r v fortunate and those w/o could only hope and would nv truly experience. Which is oso y someone in a happy family could nv completely understand the emotional pain of a broken family... If you have happy family, please treasure it.. I could only treasure my mother and sister
At least i have friends. I guess they r e only ppl who keeps me sane and grounded now. At least they can give me consolation when i m sad and advice too.. Talking crap to them help me to escape too.. I really feel like going on a holiday.. I need a holiday.... I need to sleep... Working till 11pm is not helping at all. Urgh!
