Life/Friends & stuff

Lately, I don't know whether it is because I have too much free time on my hand, been thinking a lot..

It is really strange how some people we managed to befriend. People who might not like us at first, and we may not like, but overtime they start to grow on us and we got used to their eccentrics and somehow they become part of us. Some people who you never know whether they have ever treated you as friend and whether you are disposable to them.. Some friends who you know will never learn to trust you, and at times you will wonder if such a person is considered a friend.

I could not tolerate a friend who doesn't trust me, someone who suspects my loyalty. I could not tolerate someone who is suspicious of my intention when I show my concern. I could not tolerate a friend who have too much pride and is thus afraid of any frank opinion. I don't think friendship can be built on lies.

If I were to lost any friend on the above characteristics frankly i would be a little sad, but I will live with it.. Because maybe we weren't friends to begin with.

Frankly I am very grateful for friends who were always there for me. Friends whom I fight with but still together. Friends who might hate my character and guts at times, but still accepting, because they know it is never my intention to hurt anybody. Friends who never second guess me...What would I do without such people in my life?? I think I would die...

Miscommunication

As I started working I realised a lot of miscommunication comes when 说者无心，听者有意。Maybe sometimes it is the other way... I realised there are some people that are very afraid of misunderstanding or gossip that will arise from this miscommunication and there are people who do not care. I am a person who do not care. Not that I like gossiping, when we listen to info about some ppl, naturally if it is interesting or funny you would want to joke about it. Frankly is that gossiping? When you mean no harm, but the listener take it to heart, whose fault would it actually be.

Personally I am a person who does not care about such misunderstanding and gossip, even if it occurs on me. If you have a certain opinion about me that you don't like. I don't care I am not here to please you. And likewise when I listen to stuff that is happening to people's life as long as it does not concern me, I would not have any feelings or even thoughts about it. Frankly I don't care, I can't be bothered with their life.

There are however a lot of sensitive people out there. Even sensitive friends. But I am offended when a friend is afraid that I would spread inaccurate information about people(in other words gossip) when I am teasing that friend. Frankly it never ever occured to me to gossip about that person. It is offending that a friend has doubts about my character, maybe he/she was just worried about gossip that might spread, but we nv had that intention.

I could understand that person's opinion, but I can't help feeling offended. But all is cool.. I am writing this to explain my feeling. I would like to disclaim that there is no hard feelings and I am just stating this opinion. I would forget this feeling once I post this entry, I promise. But just expressing my thought.

Memories

Was reading through my previous blog entries. Like from when I was 19 till now.. hahaha.. Feel a bit embarass by my previous blog entries. Hahahahahaha

Used to want to remember every small detail of my life. Actually anything that needs to be written down to be remembered is not that worth remembering. Because strong memories will always be remembered in your brain and those that are not worth remembering will not be remembered even after you write them down. And feelings will always be remembered regardless of whether you write them down or not...

As we grow older we get more used to the fact that certain things are part and parcel of life and we start accepting things that we would nv compromise to when we were younger. At almost quarter life. I would like to say I have grown up. Some positive feelings I would never forget even if I do not write them down. And I hope I would still be optimistic after 10 years from this entry. Hee...

Hate the stressed me

I hate the stressedd me.. I would become v impatient, v short tempered and not very nice.. Hahaha.. I have seen that happening to some of my friends and somehow I am beginning to be like that...

Sometimes I wish I have some time alone... Like now exams are soon and v stressed from work, no time to study. At home when I want to study, my mum jus won't leave me alone.. Maybe cos she haven't seen me in a wk cos I always work late, but then I need to study!!!! Urgh! Really irritating!!

I realised sometimes it is communication... Like some ppl are just harder to communicate with. In my case, I always feel that family is really hard to communicate with. It is like you would expect them to understand you the most, but they are not. And it is hard explaining to them how you feel, because of their own selfishness, expectation, they do not want to understand it.. It is really hard to explain..

Sometimes it is really hard.. Hard to handle all this stress. Sometimes I hate myself more than anyone else. Sometimes I wish I can be alone. Hai..

I hate the real world. It is really realistic. No excuses just performance. What are you going to do if you r not able to perform due to the enormous workload. Excuses they just sound like excuses to ppl. When trying your best is not good enough, I don't know what is good enough. And I am sick and demorialize to try so hard, but what can I do, this is life. If staying till 3am is not trying hard enough I don't know what is... If this job is making me so unhappy I should just leave, but I wo bu fu!!! Y is it my fault. Y am I always compromising with all the problems and workload faced? The world will not turn for me for sure, but y must I turn along with it. I really should leave this co.. No point in fighting for things that will not change.

Totallly broke down at work today

Really can't take it.. the emotional stress and physical stress.. Honestly working late or ironically early 1am is really very physically draining. And when u feel that your all your hardwork is useless and never good enough and you really have lots of stuff that must meet timeline soon is really stressful. It is like I could nv ever complete anything, always mountain of work, but the things is during timeline period it is so much worse, it is like do or die, you can't leave it.

I really just cried when i was so tired but have a feeling that i can't rest until i finish all this. Really v pek chek. Like no matter how hard you try u jus can't finish it. Period came so felt even more tired. Really feel like dying.. When i cried, I told e accountant i really can't take it i really feel v tired, kind of implied tat i want to go home. bt she told me to rest 15min and continue doing. Later server was down, but still die die must do. So no choice i went to e sick bay to sleep for awhile. Pathetic now the sick bay is my room.

Later to finish it had to stay till 3.30am.. honestly i want my life back. I don't mind working hard, but not till you expect me to sell my life. It is like i m so tired le.. but can't go back home to rest. it is like.. I don't know.. feel like i m in prison...

Today i couldn't wake up.. so went to work at 10.30am.. i know v bad attitude after all haven't even pass e 3 months.. but i honestly couldn't care.. If they dare, fire me. honestly felt like faking mc or take leave, but no choice have to complete stuff.. ahhhh.. honestly don't know wat to do.. feel a bit sian to find new job.. ahh.. and my plan to quit after a yr and go travelling will be ruined.. I really need a holi. even after this job i really feel like going overseas after i resign...

Unhappy

Yest had great fun w elin, yik, xiwen and hq...

Today feel like i have gone to hell. Couldn't take it in e morning. Had a breakdown. It was not only Monday blues.. It was also family and stuff.. Really make me feel like escaping. Honestly feel v depressed. I really want to leave.. I really want to escape. but i honestly don't know where i could escape too...

This morning, he was v enthusiastic in wanting to drive me to work. I have this feeling about it since last wk when he say he want to drive me to work. It was awkward to reject his offer cos we left house about the same time, but i felt that he was up to no good. I don't know y instinct about someone is rarely wrong, when something is amiss it could be sensed almost immediately. So on his car I fake sleeping, to avoid having any conversation w him.

This morning when i was in e toilet he told me he want to drive me to work, as it was really early, i told him to leave first, i sensed sth wrong too.. Later he waited for me when i was making up he told me that he will drive me to work, before that go to e bank and withdraw 1k for him. I was totally pissed, but i told him all my cash is with mum. He didn't believe, but i jus kept insisting i don't have any money. Then he lied he said grandpa passed away need money to pay some stuff. Hello like i m an idiot. I know how much money they have in e trustfund for grandpa.. It is honestly enough to hold 10funerals. Wat a bastard. Could even try to cheat his daughter's money using his father's name to cheat her.

Been overhearing his conversation w his fren, i know what he is up to. Honestly i wish my mum would jus kick him out of this house at times. Sounds v unfillial, but i honestly don't know how to be fillial to such a person.

Honestly started crying after that, was quite affected.. Don't want to go to work, but don't know where to go either.. In e end went to work but couldn't concentrate, couldn't care either... Honestly don't know y he could still hurt me this way. Every time u think u wouldn't be affected by it anymore, everytime u think it could no longer hurt and u would not cry for it again, that emotion take u by surprise, uncontrollable, jus pain, and tears will jus flow uncontrollably. Hate that kind of feeling. hate that i m so old and yet i can't control this feeling. Hate that he could still hurt me this way. Hate that i m still affected by all this. I want to grow numb to all this. I want to be strong...

Some relatives have been bullying my mother at e funeral that day.. actually feel v hurt when seeing them bullying my mum, but da ren de shi can't do anything, standing up for her will cause her more trouble in e end. Could only keep telling her to leave them let them gossip don't care. Hate that my mother contributed to much to this family and all she could get is constant shit from them. Is this really her fate? Y must she deal with all e shit and face she gets from these stupid relatives. I hate my family, my extended family, they r a piece of shit. But u know wat family is not ppl u can choose, u honestly don't have a choice.. Hate these wu nai of life, hate that fate is being too unfair to my mum...

Really didn't know if i should tell my mum. Hate hurting her with this news... But it is e right thing to do rite?

Honestly i want to escape, i want to leave this place. I don't want to face reality and i really don't know how to face reality at times. Now no matter how much i hate my job i must stay in it.. Don't want to make my mum worry more for me. Urgh.

Actually all this r not problem if you try not to c them as a problem.. Shall brainwash myself again, or try to... maybe if we try to ignore the problem long enough, the problem will automatically disappear or solve itself(so totally in denial), maybe some problems can never be solved, cos a person is nv brave enough to deal w it. sometimes i can't understand my mum.. she is brave at times, but when it is time to make e decision she is nv brave enough, will say but can't do.. maybe she is like me in denial, she jus hope that if she ignore it e problem will disappear, but it nv will. and decisions like this u could nv help her to make. At times this indecisiveness is causing a lot of pain to us and her instead. Always say tat she is trying to find a better time to prepare ourselves for this, in case things get ugly, but things r not exactly rosy now either.. I am v afraid oso that if things remain like tat it would get worse. Honestly it is not nice to leave in fear daily, not knowing when e timebomb will explode. Or everytime when u think things r ok some shit happen again.

Honestly quite envious of ppl w/o family problem.. Ppl with happy family.. But it is when u r with ppl like that, that ur thinking will not grow too twisted, that will make you believe that there can be happiness in this world. But family happiness is not something everyone could wish for, like i said you could choose anyone in this world, but you could nv choose family. Spouse can divorce, boyfriend could break up, friend can unfriend, but family you could nv truly disown. Which is e reason y ppl w happy family r v fortunate and those w/o could only hope and would nv truly experience. Which is oso y someone in a happy family could nv completely understand the emotional pain of a broken family... If you have happy family, please treasure it.. I could only treasure my mother and sister

At least i have friends. I guess they r e only ppl who keeps me sane and grounded now. At least they can give me consolation when i m sad and advice too.. Talking crap to them help me to escape too.. I really feel like going on a holiday.. I need a holiday.... I need to sleep... Working till 11pm is not helping at all. Urgh!